What happened to Bud Bowl?

This weekend it will be nice to take a break from inventing and take part in the biggest American holiday of the year: Super Bowl Sunday! I've never understood all the hype about the Super Bowl. But at the same time it's the biggest day for guacamole consumption each year, so I'm not complaining.

There is one sad aspect to the Super Bowl. What ever happened to the real game: the Bud Bowl? For eight illustrious years, the Bud Bowl was the pinnacle of American sports. Bud Light versus Budweiser, battling it out for all the glory. And then suddenly it disappeared. I've never understood what happened. The games were generally closer and more exciting than the Super Bowl.

I hope it comes back soon. But if it does, don't make the mistake I used to make and bet on Bud Light. They had a 2-6 record in the Bud Bowl, which lost me more money than I'd like to admit.

The keys to being a great inventor

People are always asking me what it takes to be a great inventor. Well, actually no one actually asks me that, but that's only because I don't have time to return all the requests for interviews. Well, actually no one really requests interviews, but I can be an intimidating figure sometimes. It's just one of those things you have to accept when you're a great inventor.

Anyway, as I was saying, people always ask me what it takes to be a great inventor. I tell them, "You gotta be able to see the extraordinary in the ordinary." What do I mean by this? There are opportunities all around us for exciting, interesting, and important inventions. Many times the best ones are not all that complicated, they are in fact sitting right under your nose (actually, a lot of things sit under my nose, but that's a whole other story).

Let me be more clear by giving an example. People are always complaining to me that their rug is difficult to keep clean (well, they don't actually complain, but once again, you get the idea). Then one day when I was playing golf it came to me--what if people had grass rugs in their houses? It's the perfect solution. If the grass gets damaged, you just let it grow out and mow it. If you spill a bottle of red wine on the rug it doesn't even matter because drainage is already built in. In short, it is the perfect invention!

So get out there and make the extraordinary out of the ordinary. And like me, you'll be able to wear golf spikes in your house to aerate your rug. Now if only I could do something about these allergies!

Geniuses are never appreciated

As I create more and more inventions that have benefited humanity and it's way of life, I increasingly realize how geniuses never get the appreciation they deserves. Let's not even just focus on me. Take George Washington Carver for example. He created over 100 recipes using peanuts and thought of over 100 products that use peanuts. If anyone could be called a genius, it's him.

What thanks does he get? First, there is a national holiday for George Washington (President's day), but not George Washington Carver. They almost have the same name! How can we rationalize giving a holiday to one and not the other? Next, everyone nowadays is starting to suffer from peanut allergies. "Sure they are," I say (note the sarcastic tone of my voice). I bet you anything that these people are just racist against George Washington Carver and are using this as an excuse to avoid peanuts. What other logical explanation is there? And don't even get me started on how everyone ignored the peanut bong, which you can see George Washington Carver testing here:


So when the fast food industry turned down my idea of frying their products with sardine oil (just think of all the health benefits of using fish oils), I can make myself feel better by looking at the example of George Washington Carver. It is the curve of being a genius that we are fated to never be appreciated, but the inventing must go on.

The nose hair shaver

It was an ingenious idea. First I heard that Ferd had allergies. It got me thinking about how nose hairs can be really annoying at times like this. They tickle your nose and just exacerbate the situation. You can trim the nose hair, but that's no good because it leaves stubble that's just as irritating.

Then it came to me. A nose hair shaver! Spiffiness! Once I had a prototype done, it was time to test it out on Harold (who was, as always, doing his part for the advancement of science). After the first preliminary tests, I've concluded that sticking a rotating razor blade up your nose is not a good idea after all. Who would have known? Maybe this invention would be better as a rhinoplasty aid. The problem is that I don't know any rhinoceroses that I can test it on.

To make matters worse, I later found out that Ferd didn't even have allergies. He's actually sick! So thanks a lot to Ferd for deceiving me into making a not-so-spiffy invention.

Changing the world one spiffy invention at a time

You can't believe how excited I am. Finally, I have a forum to share all of my latest, greatest, and spiffiest inventions. For far too long, my inventions have sat in obscurity, never getting the attention they deserve. For example, there was my contraption that caught pigeon droppings, mixed in some charcoal and sulfur, and made instant gunpowder. You could then kill that same pigeon and roast it for dinner that night. Genius! And everyone else is drooling over iPods. They're just over-glorified hard drives people!